My god there are a lot of fucked up people in the world….or just really, really stupid people. I think that’s evidenced by the ridiculous letters we (and by we I mean the letters I steal from Dear Prudence at Slate.com) receive here at Left Of Sean.
I hope this isn’t indicative of the state of this nation….but I’m afraid I’m wrong.
******
Dear Left of Sean:
My 7-year-old daughter is smart, pretty, and fun. Her father is of Hispanic descent, and he’s gorgeous, but he has a lot of thick, black body hair—including a “unibrow,” which he’s plucked since he was a teenager. Our daughter has inherited his thick, dark hair and my fair skin, and I’m shocked to see that her coarse eyebrows are starting to grow together—downy hairs are appearing across the bridge of her nose. She is beautiful, but her eyebrows bother me. Her 10-year-old cousin has a shockingly thick unibrow, and she came home in tears because her classmates teased her. She took a razor to her face and ended up cutting herself badly. I don’t want any of this to happen to my daughter, but I’m disgusted with myself for having such a reaction to a few stray hairs. Showing my daughter pictures of Frida Kahlo and talking to her about inner beauty will be worse than a lie, since I’m obviously bothered by her eyebrows! I’ve been tempted to look into electrolysis down the road, but what kind of maternal instinct is that?
—Shallow Mom
Dear Shallow Mom, if the “unibrow” was good enough for The Madonna Spawn, it’s good enough for your little Beaner. Just make sure the brow matches her mustache!
******
Dear Left Of Sean,
My fiance and I are getting married soon and have been discussing our ceremony. Our idea was to honor our families by having our parents and siblings walk the aisle before we do. I have four siblings, two of whom are married, and he has one sister and a cousin, whom he considers a brother. So I will have eight people walking down the aisle, and he will have four. Lately, he’s been making quite a fuss about how things are not “balanced.” So he has suggested that I either choose only one brother or not send my sisters-in-law down the aisle—or that he be allowed to add a couple of his friends. I’m flabbergasted. I’ve tried to explain that choosing between my siblings is not an option and that my sisters-in-law are like my sisters. I don’t want to start adding friends because I’d like to keep this a family procession. What am I not seeing here?
—Aisle of Pain
Dear Aisle of Pain, your first mistake was getting married. What kind of tard are you? Oh, that’s right, you’re the needy type. Look, I wouldn’t worry about this. You’ll be divorced in less than three years anyway. You’re ignorant and your fiance is a whiny little wimp. You’ll never make it. Did he get beaten up a lot in school?
******
Dear Left Of Sean,
I raised two daughters as a single parent by choice. I see now that children need a mom and dad, but it’s too late for that. I worked many jobs to give them everything possible so they would feel equal to their friends who were growing up in two-parent households. I dipped into my retirement account many times to pay for vacations, college, etc. When my daughters were 20 and 13, I met a wonderful guy who had an older child of his own. The two of us continued the ridiculous cycle of giving them everything they wanted, such as new cars, expensive birthday parties, etc. After the economy tumbled, our income was slashed, and we had to sell our house. We are struggling to pay our bills. Our now-grown children are all employed and making decent money. My gripe is that even though they know our situation, they’ve never offered to help. They don’t even take us out to dinner for our birthdays! How do I tell them that I’m hurt about their lack of concern and would like to be treated by them once in a while?
—Tired of Giving
Dear Ignorant Mother, if you’re too fucking weak and stupid to talk to your own kids, just kill yourself and rid the world of one less moron. Your stupidity started from the beginning: giving the kids anything they wanted. Face it, they are selfish and shallow and you’re naive and stupid. It’s parents like you that are the reason for the downfall of the United States. Your kids grew up never knowing how to work for anything nor appreciate effort. They grew up like this because they had a stupid mother who handed them everything.
If the girls are hot you can disregard the above statement.
******
Dear Left Of Sean,
I’m a bargain-hunter and sometimes find great deals on gift certificates for expensive restaurants in my city. These restaurants are normally out of my price range, but I enjoy romantic dinners there. Is it cheap or tacky to use such gift certificates on a date, especially one of the first few dates?
—Frugal
Dear Frugal, I say go for it. Put on your “Ross: Dress for Distress” suit and get in your 1992 Dodge K Car. Head on over to your date’s trailer and say, “dinner’s on me!”
My first 
