A Message From Kim Jong Un…
People’s Republic of Korea. We are pleased to announce a most glorious statement from our most Great, Glorious Leader’s son, Kim Jong Un.K
Please read a transcript as follows (If you can’t read, just get on your knees and praise him until we say you can get up.)
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Dear Glorious Special Nation,
It is with my great sadness that I tell you now that your magical great one leader, Kim Jong Il has died. In the middle of the night, as the Glorious One rode on a magical train while he returned from important meetings with the capitalist pig president of the United States, a black man named Balak Obamama, he died peacefully in his sleep.
We know his heart was strained from the ass whooping he put on the U.S. President. We can now confirm that Mr. Obama poisoned our Great Leader and retribution will be ours through a fiery hell of bombs and guns and we will bring down a reign of terror as the tears of Hades……
But I digress.
I come to tell you today that I, Kim Jong Christopher Un (Stop laughing. My mother was from United States. Father purchased her for his 32nd birthday!), will become your next Glorious Leader. I have the same magic powers passed down from my father.
I can read your mind.
I know when you have sleeping.
I know when you have awake!
DO NOT CRY. You better not fucking pout! I’ve got a list you poor, useless scum and I’m checking it twice!
I’m Santa Claus, goddamnit……oh, wait…..no. There’s no such thing as Santa Claus.
Sun Pak Moon, bring me more Hennessy and another hooker….no, don’t write that down. I swear I’ll kill you. Goddamnit good help is difficult to find in this shithole country!
{Clears throat} Ahhh, that’s good stuff. Where was I? Oh yes…
Do not worry. As your new Glorious Leader I will promise you that I will maintain your high standard of living and the PRK will remain the most powerful nation in the world!
Do not feel worried that I am only 27 years old. As a magical being, I have an extra brain that helps me make big, good decisions. You see, I am like two people, in the body of one 4’11″, 350 lb magical creature. Remember, 4’11″ and 350lbs is the standard for sexy. This is LAW!
That is true story. Believe it or I’ll kill you.
You may now get up off your knees.
Sincerely,
The Great Successor
His Magicalness
His Magicalness
Kim Jong Christopher Un
