I‘m going to go out on a limb here and make a case for dumping the 4th of July. I’m not saying we should dump the holiday altogether. I’m saying we should make it a solid Monday holiday. That would totally solve the mess of the mid-week holiday like this year. Seriously, a holiday on a Wednesday? No thank you!
I say we move the holiday to the first Monday in July every year. That way we get a three day holiday each year instead of trying to call in sick on a Thursday because someone pounded too many Redbull & vodkas in the pool while watching Uncle Dan burn the shit out of his hand lighting pop-bottle rockets to scare the cat.
Don’t get me wrong, you’re still going to drink too much, watch Uncle Dan burn himself, and watch the cat fear for it’s life, but this way you have time to recover before heading back to work to regale your coworkers with the story of rushing Dan to the hospital in your bikini…..and not spilling one drop of vodka.
But Sean, what will we call the holiday?
I know, you’re used to just tossing out the ever-so-simple 4th. “What are you doing for the 4th?” “Are you going out of town for the 4th?”
Well, this is a small price to pay for a three day weekend of binge drinking and ER visits. Let’s look at some options.
- Independence Day: This is obvious and would completely solve the problem. And it’s not funny at all. We’ll keep trying!
- ID-July: Why not? If Will Smith can rock it, ‘Merica can too!
- Harambe Day: There’s a petition to rename July to Harambe because some gorilla died in Ohio. Seems logical (not) but why the hell not. At least it would create a boatload of arguments. Uncle Dan would totally hate it. Aunt Sunflower, from Portland, would say it doesn’t completely embody the spirit and aura of the dead monkey….that still lives on in a banana tree in El Salvador.
- Darwin Day: Remember the Darwin awards? If not, you should seriously look it up! These are individuals whose family tree doesn’t fork; whose gene pool is filled with urine; whose father is also his uncle. This is the day just made for Uncle Dan. Most incidents begin with “hold my beer” and end with a trip to the emergency room. And in this age of Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter, the best part of it all is that we get to see it!
- Drunky McDrunkFace: Because why not?
Anyway, I hope you have a great Harambe Day (I’m totally going with the monkey!) and stay safe. Remember, if your drunk uncle comes up and says hold my beer, don’t stop him, just tell him to hold on a minute while you get the video ready on your iPhone!