My name is Sean and I’m a hummus addict.
More specifically, I’m a Whole Foods brand addict. If you’re a regular Whole Foods shopper, you’ll understand my anger right now at what they’re doing to their supply.
After the Amazon purchase, Whole Foods decided to rebrand or completely eliminate certain products. Their own brand of hummus was the first item I noticed in the store that was changing.
In an attempt to change the packaging, they completely removed all of their hummus from the shelves. Then, once they had the new branding labels ready, they brought back only a few flavors and they ditched my absolute favorite, the jalapeño flavor!
What we’re left with is plain (which no one…and I mean NO ONE eats…this flavor is totally stocked at all times.), Lemon (it’s ok, not bad, not great), and red pepper (see Lemon).
Here’s what I don’t understand: jalapeño hummus FLEW off the shelves but you decide to discontinue it? What kind of logic is that?
In addition, they have removed all other brands of jalapeño hummus too. I’m just dumbfounded. It’s not like I’ll eat the other brands (we’ll discuss that in a moment), but other people will. So why remove them?
Honestly, I haven’t found one other brand of hummus that I like. I’m a big texture freak and I love the texture of the WF hummus. Besides that, instead of just tossing some jalapenos into the hummus, the WF brand uses jalapenos as well as some other spices to get the right flavor.
I’ve tried some other brands and have been very, very disappointed. Listed below are my findings.
Hands down, this is the worst stuff I’ve ever put in my mouth, and I’ve lived in east Asia and South America! This stuff was so bad I even contacted the company. Whole Foods actually refunded my money. I wouldn’t feed this to a monkey who was starving. It would be considered animal abuse!
What executive thought it would be a good idea to put a blob of chopped jalapeños in the middle of some mildly flavored hummus? Here’s an idea: chop it up, dump it in the mixer with the garbanzo beans, and totally incorporate it into the flavor. Don’t just dump some shit on top and call it a dog!
Eating this sludge is like eating flavored Spackle. This container of vileness is comparable to Engine 2. The only reason I didn’t return it to Natural Grocers is because the clerks are so freakin’ creepy I didn’t want to have to engage them in conversation.
At this point, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m already experiencing withdrawal symptoms. I have the shakes! I buy crackers and vegetables randomly and mimic the action of dipping them into that spicy, creamy goodness. I have dreams of Whole Foods jalapeño hummus and me on vacation at some remote, tropical island, sunbathing, relaxing, making love all night long!
Why? Why did you break up with me? I just don’t understand! Was it me?
I guess the only thing to do after a breakup like this is to move on with your slutty cousin: salsa!