The One Second Microwave Conspiracy


The One Second Microwave Conspiracy

What kind of monster leaves one second on the microwave?

Something totally crazy is happening in my office lately.  Someone is using the microwave and opening the door, to stop the cooking process, with exactly one second left on the timer.  



What kind of person does this? It’s like they can’t seem to finish the task at hand.  

Do they draw a circle but stop before it’s enclosed?  Do they button their shirt but leave the last button undone?  During sex, do they stop just a fraction of time before climax?

Would you trust someone who leaves one second on a timer? What if there were a bomb in the building and they knew how to diffuse it?  Would they let it count down until there was only one second left?  What if they were too slow and missed stopping it at one.  You know how difficult it is to stop the gas pump at exactly $10.00.  

$9.99 is there just taunting you, screaming loser in your face.  You barely squeeze to get it to $10.00……whoops, too hard.  Now it’s $10.02.  You really are a loser!

In the movie Goldfinger, James Bond tried to diffuse a nuclear bomb in Fort Knox.  The timer stopped at exactly 007….

Bond, James, Bond

I can understand this.  First, it was in the script so the bomb had to stop!  Second, you know it had to stop at 007 because James is the coolest mutha-fucka on the planet.

Is this coworker of mine 001?  I work for a brokerage firm.  Maybe we have a retired British spy working for the company and he just can’t let go.  He calls clients and tells them he can only buy/sell ONE!

Since I’m a software developer, I wonder if I could reprogram the microwave to never get to one second.

Four, three, two, BEEP!

Do the instructions on his  microwave meals say,

Cook for exactly 2:59. If you wait until 3:00, a black hole will form in the microwave and consume the Hearty Boy Beef Enchilada Meal as well as the entire universe.

What exactly is the problem with the number one.  One is a good number.  It says I’m the best. It exclaims singularity.  It is life!  You only get one!  It says, “Ladies, I am single an available.  What was that?  My penis?  Yes, I have ONE!”

The next time you buy Chicken McNuggets, ask for just one.

I think I’ll start leaving the microwave timer at 2.  Maybe Mr. 1 will seek me out and we’ll become 3!

Happy Monday.

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