And he’s at it again.  More ridiculous advice from an unqualified moron…

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Dear Sean, we received a very large and expensive painting from my husband’s parents for Christmas. While we appreciate their generosity, the painting does not fit in with the decorating style we want in our home. We don’t want to cause hurt feelings, but we also don’t want to hang this painting. It’s much too large to put up only when they come by. And considering they paid so much, I’d feel bad doing that anyway. Help!

Sean: This is a tough situation.  Obviously your inlaws have mega bucks and you don’t want to piss them off.  But when they have absolutely no taste in art, this becomes difficult.  Probably the best thing to do in your situation is to stage a break-in and say the painting was stolen.  Go ahead and sell the piece of shit at an art auction to get rid of it.  Once you report the theft, insurance will pay off too.  This is a win/win for you.  You’ll have the auction money as well as the insurance money and your inlaws will think the painting was stolen.

Once the issue is put to bed, start pushing little hints that you hate art and don’t want to hang anything else in your house like that.

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Dear Sean, my cousin invited me months ago to spend New Year’s Eve in Virginia with her, her hubby, and sister. Sounded relaxing. Just been told that her kids and grandkids (five of them, ages 9 to 1) are coming too. Not relaxing. Kids are loud, unruly, no boundaries, etc. They will be there four days, I can spend only one due to my work schedule. I want out! How to tactfully withdraw?

Sean: What the hell is wrong with people like you who have no ability to lie?  Are you stupid?  Rise above your worthless morals and lie out your ass to get out of this horrible situation.

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Dear Sean, thanks for having this chat. I wanted to get your thoughts on something:

Every year my family meets up with each other and with extended relatives out of state. We stay at my grandparents’ house and attend my aunt and uncle’s parties together, with my dad driving.

The problem used to be that my dad drank to excess. I always felt like I was going to die on the ride home. It isn’t as much of a problem anymore, but he does eat a ton of food, and he falls asleep while he’s driving on the ride home.

All of us (the kids) are mid-20s or older. He has this macho, stupid thing about making sure he’s the one driving. This has made the holidays the most anxiety-inducing time of year for me. Every Christmas, I feel like I’m going to die.

Luckily, I am getting married soon. I plan to rent a car from now on. The problem is, my fiancee is not happy about the financial burden of renting a car and thinks we should just “make it work.”

How do I get across to everyone that this is an extremely messed-up situation?

Sean:  Grow some fucking balls and tell your dad he’s NOT driving because he’s going to kill everyone.  If he argues, punch him and take the keys.  He’s obviously a moron.

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Nowheresville: I’m going to be spending new years with several people I like and one person I don’t. She’s going to go on and on about wedding plans and all the Christmas presents she received and blah, blah, blah until my ears bleed. Normally I’d have a short and civil conversation and then move on, but we’ll be at a restaurant, and I’m afraid I’ll be trapped. I just want to not be rude and spoil the evening; any tips?

Sean:  Honesty is the best policy.  Here’s an example:

Stupid bitch:  Oh, we just decided that we give all our guests framed pictures of Bob and I as favors.
You:  Really?  Wow, what a stupid idea.  Do you really think anyone gives a shit about a framed picture of the two of you?  I tell you what, you and Bob get naked and start having sex.  Right when Bob is about to cum, take a shot of him spooging all over your face.  Frame that and you might please some of your guests! Idiot.

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Single, Salary: I have been offered my dream job, which would move me closer to my elderly parents, but which may involve a pay cut of $10,000. My married sister, hearing that I might have to decline it, stated that I “should decide what is important” to me. I bit my lip before I retorted that I was dependent on a single salary, without the cushion of a spouse’s income, but I’m seething about this. I am happily single and see no reason to marry, but her blithe dismissal of my concern about finances burns me up. Should I continue to seethe or just drop it?

Sean: It’s NOT a dream job if you take a pay cut, dumbass!

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Exhausted: Husband just got out of the hospital following a serious sudden illness. We agreed during his hospitalization that I would notify only those people with a legitimate need to know (close relatives and co-workers) and wait till afterward to inform everyone else. Fortunately, husband is out of the hospital and doing much better.

Now that he’s home, I’ve been contacting other people regarding his illness, chiefly by e-mail, and am catching flak left and right from everyone whom I didn’t inform while he was in the hospital. I’m being called selfish and inconsiderate, among the more repeatable things, and my sanity has even been questioned.

If all these people had known while my husband was in the hospital, it would have been tiring for him, and possibly not even good for his health, to have had so much more company and phone calls. And I, who was already physically and emotionally exhausted coping with his ordeal, was in no mood to have to entertain company in his hospital room, nor to have to field additional interrogatory phone calls there or at home. (As it was, I got wakened out of a sound sleep at home by a call from someone who’d heard about my husband’s hospitalization through the grapevine and became most irate when I refused to supply the details she demanded to know.)

Sean, please ask your readers to respect folks who are ill and/or hospitalized and their families year-round, but especially at hectic times like over the holidays. Thanks.

Sean:  Look, people are stupid; that’s why this country elected George W. Bush TWICE.  Tell these people to go fuck themselves.  Your family and your husband’s health are none of their fucking business.