With Valentine’s Day coming up, I started thinking about what a nightmare this day is.

I emailed my wife and asked her if there was something specific she wanted me to do or should I just surprise her?  She had no ideas and told me to surprise her.  I will…by doing nothing.

What really pisses me off about this holiday is that it is left up to the man to come up with something spectacular.  This is the hard part.  Men just don’t care.  Why should we be responsible for the planning?

If women want something romantic, plan it, goddamnit!  We’ll go along with it.  I know what you’re saying.  We should want to do this for our partner.  And you would be correct in that assumption.  But why is it limited to the man?  The woman should want to do this too.

I have a handful of gay friends and I’ve just emailed one of them to see how they handle this situation.  I’d be willing to bet the response that comes back is that it’s both their responsibility.

I have an idea.  I say we all boycott Valentine’s Day.  Don’t buy a card.  Don’t go out to dinner.  Don’t do anything special.  Let’s tell the retailers that we’re tired of it.

Don’t worry about the fact that you will probably never have sex again with that partner.  This is a great opportunity to prop up the prostitution industry anyway.  Once she cuts you off, the hooker and your hand are the only things that are going to fuck you anyway.  To be honest, if you’re already married, you aren’t having sex anyway so it’s no big deal.

This brings up another great point.  With the hooker, you don’t have to cuddle afterwards or take her to dinner.  You don’t have to buy her expensive gifts or tell her she’s not fat.  Look, you’re going to pay for it anyway; why not make it worth the cost.

Alright, my gay friend just responded to my email (damn, that was quick!).  You’re going to love his answer…

“We’ve given up on it.  We celebrate National Pancake Week instead…”  That’s the best damn idea I’ve heard in a long time.  They even take it as far as visiting IHOP.  I think I’ll head out to San Francisco and spend the week with them!

We live in a country where the corporations and retailers have taken over our holidays.  Christmas is about Black Friday sales.  Memorial and Labor Days are about retailers selling clothes and summer items.  They’ve even gotten their claws into smaller holidays like President‘s Day.  These holidays have no meaning any more.  And Valentine’s Day is just another in the long line of retailers profits.

The Greeting Card Association estimates that 1 billion cards are sent each year for Valentine’s Day.  This makes it second to only Christmas.  They also estimate that men spend almost twice as much money on the holiday as women.

I say, if you’re going to send a card, make it one of these:  Click here.  Nothing says I hate this holiday like a card making a mockery of the celebration.

By the way, after I get arrested for solicitation of prostitution, will someone come bail me out?

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