My first Facebook Status Update this morning went something like this:

Left Of Sean:  9:37am and it’s already 90 degrees. Hope my balls don’t melt away again!

ViaLula:  I think for Christmas I am going to buy you a filter. A filter? A filter to put in between your thoughts and print.

Left Of Sean:  Why would I ever want to install something like that? As I tell the Jesus Tard people: if you don’t like it, CHANGE THE FUCKING CHANNEL!

ViaLula:  Lol, somebody is grumpy again.

Danielle:  I like the “again” in reference to your balls melting away. This implies that it has happened before and that your balls are in fact regenerative. Impressive.

Left Of Sean:  They’re not as regenerative as they are replaceable. You see, I had the last set made out of a soft, pliable polymer built for speed and comfort. Unfortunately, this high tech material is susceptible to extreme temperatures. It’s really embarrassing when I’m just standing there an my balls start melting down my leg. If this happens again I’m opting for the aluminum set.

Danielle:  {Likes this!}

Robin:  Wait, I’m confused…I thought you were pure milk chocolate?

Left Of Sean:  I tried that once but while I slept the puppies would….well, you know!  I thought it would be a great idea because, you know, women love chocolate.  But the consequences far outweighed the benefits.

*****

So this got me thinking: what other body parts would be really cool to replace with something fun?

I read a Carl Hiassen book last year about a hitman who had his hand replaced with a weed-whacker.  That was a good idea, but I’d be afraid I would always smell like gasoline and decaying grass.  Besides, it might really hurt if you had to pee and used the wrong hand.  Dating could be really, really dangerous.

I thought about the things I like to do in life and how a new hand or leg attachment could make them easier.  I like to write on my blog.  However, I also like to drink a Mocha Frappuccino Lite, no whip, while I’m doing it.  Maybe I could install a head attachment that would hold the drink and a tube that looped around to my mouth.  It would be like those beer helmets but permanent.  Besides, if I wore one of those beer helmets I’d just look stupid.  Doh!

I enjoy texting.  Maybe I could get a Bluetooth device permanently wired into my brain so all I’d have to do was think about what I wanted to text and it would magically send through my iPhone.  I don’t know, that could be a little Big Brother-ish if not handled correctly.

Maybe I should just have six more arms attached.  I love my three puppies but with only two arms, it’s difficult to pet all three at once.  They’re pretty demanding for attention.  This way I could use three arms to pet the puppies, one arm to scratch, one arm to control the TV remote, and texting could be accomplished by the Bluetooth device controlled by the CIA.  The extra arm would just be there for backup in case of an “arm failure.”

I thought about having an Asian hooker attached to my hip…..but I think I’d get tired of her always saying, “that will be $5 Joe!”