In 1967 the world was granted a marvel of human eccentricity when SuzyQ was born in a log cabin on the Oklahoma plains. Forty-three years later and five husbands into a six husband goal, she’s on her way to becoming one of the most profound and quoted authors/screenwriters on the planet.
Her latest work, a story about a monkey who lives in a bubble at the bottom of the ocean, has already sold 200 million copies worldwide and shows no sign of stopping.
Left Of Sean was lucky enough to get an interview with Ms. Q. As a recluse, she rarely grants interviews.
Writing from her house made of Legos and wheat, she painstakingly answered our questions while on a six day bender of prescription pain killers, Botox, and whipped cream.
Incoherent at times and unbelievably vulgar, here’s what she had to say.
Left Of Sean: Suz, thank you for granting this interview. I know your schedule is busy so I’ll get right to the point….
Suz: Too fucking late!
Left Of Sean: At what age did you know that you would be a writer?
Suz: What the fuck is that supposed to mean? And speaking of age, thanks for mentioning my birth year in the introduction asshole.
Left Of Sean: What I meant was, I just want to know when you knew you would make it a career.!
Suz: Oh. I think I was 3. My mom was beating my brother for taking a magic marker and drawing huge dicks all over the wall in the hallway. In reality, I had done it but when mom asked me about it, I made up an elaborate story about him being gay and his need for cock. She believed me. I realized that I had the gift of story telling in me.
Left Of Sean: At 3?!?
Suz: You don’t fucking believe me?
Left Of Sean: It does seem a little young.
Suz: I developed early goddammit. I went through puberty at 7. Fuck you.
Left Of Sean: There’s no reason to get hostile. Can I get you a drink?
Suz: Yes, thank you. I’ll take a double vodka and Pepsi, hold the Pepsi, and add a shot of vodka.
Left Of Sean: So you want a triple vodka?
Suz: Fucking potato/po-tot-o. And bring me some fucking Cheetos.
{At this point we took a 30 minute break while Suz moved in and out of consciousness.}
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We think she stole this baby. It ran away 3 years later.
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Suz on another acid trip. One of many babies she has stolen.
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Suz at the Golden Globes hitting on an unknown blonde.
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SuzyQ looking for Cher in Malibu while tripping on whipped cream and acid.
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SuzyQ and her 5th husband.
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A lucid day for Suz.
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SuzyQ’s 14th arrest. She and the girl in green were arrested for lewd acts at the Magic Kingdom.
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Suz hiding from the police.
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Several moments after this pic was taken her husband had to tase her to make her stop humping Shrek.
Left Of Sean: How many rejection letters did you receive in the beginning?
Suz: I’ve never had a rejection letter. Here’s a hint for all you aspiring writers out there: include a beaver shot!
Left Of Sean: Have you ever had to spend time on the proverbial “casting couch?” If so, were any particular foods involved?
Suz: Yes and yes. One time, Yul Brenner asked me into his trailer. This was during the filming of Puddle {Puddle Humper. Suzanne’s book about a transvestite midget trying to become a firefighter.} Anyway, I walked in thinking he was going to talk to me about the script. The producers had asked me to consult on the set even though I had sold the rights to the screenplay. So anyway, I’m sitting in his trailer and he excuses himself to go piss or something. When he comes back out he isn’t wearing any pants; just a pink Fedora and a bra. He tells me he wants me to do something with a banana and jar of mustard. It was gross, but what the hell. It was Yul. That’s right! I fucked him. Who are you to judge?
Can I get a refill?
Left Of Sean: Your first book was about a piece of toilet paper trying to find a place in life after being flushed down the toilet. Was this auto-biographical?
Suz: Are you calling me a piece of shit? Jesus, did you do NO research for this interview? It was an unauthorized biography of Kim Kardashian. That damn book nearly ruined me. I developed my whipped cream addiction during the writing process. It was tough. Originally, the piece of toilet paper was named Square Pants Shit Bob but the legal department at that fucking cartoon threatened to sue. So, I had to change the name to Glenn Beck. I thought the love Glenn and Kim shared for psychotropic drugs and hate filled absurdity was brilliant.
Left Of Sean: Your first husband died in a tragic mayonnaise farm accident. Can you tell us what exactly happened?
Suz: It wasn’t just a mayonnaise farm – ranch dressing, unflavored plain yogurt, alfredo sauce, raita, and hollandaise. Please go to White Condiments Are Not For Swimming to donate and raise awareness.
Left Of Sean: I understand one of your new hobbies is dressing farm animals like famous U.S. Presidents and holding tea parties on your front lawn.
Suz: No, no, no. It’s dressing farm animals as FUTURE presidents. Didn’t you get the eVite I sent you for the Trip Palin event next Saturday? (BYOTB: Bring Your Own Tea Bag)
Left Of Sean: You’ve been married five times in, what you’ve termed, a series of six. Have you thought about trying something different after number six is gone? Maybe a woman or a goat or a hot dog? Now that gay marriage is back on in California, it could lead to the allowance of Inanimate Object Marriage.
Suz: Ahhhh…the slippery slope. I say, bring it on! I’d love to be married to a dog – he can lick his own balls. I’m going to jump onto that slippery slope and slide right into the no-kill pet shelter in Van Nuys. I just know there is an abandoned pit-bull mix who still has the smell of the 3 year old he attacked on his breath to bring me marital bliss. Look, I like it all: popsicles, tacos, fudge. But other than a ‘man,’ the only other object I’d ever consider marrying is my right hand. I don’t think that’s legal yet.
Left Of Sean: Your latest book is about a monkey named Spanky who lives in a bubble on the bottom of the ocean. Isn’t this just the age old story of society as a whole swallowing and smothering the individual? Why not a grasshopper? Or a cat?
Suz: Who are you, Aristotle? It’s about a monkey. His name is Spanky. He lives in a bubble. On the bottom of an ocean. And it’s being made into a feature film next year starring Tom Cruise and directed by McG. Don’t read anything into it.
I tried a grasshopper but my publisher made me change it. They said that no one could emotionally connect with a fucking grasshopper. What the fuck do they know. Hell, I’ve connected with a bottle of aspirin before; it can be done. And a cat? No one gives a shit about cats.
Left Of Sean: What’s your favorite curse word?
Suz: “For the love of Mel Gibson.”
Left Of Sean: What smell do you love the most?
Suz: Fresh plastic, dead grandfather furniture, and curbside treasures.
Left Of Sean: And finally, if there really is a Dog and you’re standing at the pearly gates, what do you think Dog’s response would be?
Suz: “Can I get a hit off that joint?”
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At this point Suz decided she needed another Botox injection and called her personal physician. I watched her smoke three joints, down two more triple vodkas, and try to grab the doctor’s balls. When she finally passed out I decided it was time to leave.
One day I was walking down the street and came across a guy who was about to kill himself. I screamed, “WAIT! Don’t do it! I need time to reload my film!!”
