Left Of Sean

My first Facebook Status Update this morning went something like this:

Left Of Sean:  9:37am and it’s already 90 degrees. Hope my balls don’t melt away again!

ViaLula:  I think for Christmas I am going to buy you a filter. A filter? A filter to put in between your thoughts and print.

Left Of Sean:  Why would I ever want to install something like that? As I tell the Jesus Tard people: if you don’t like it, CHANGE THE FUCKING CHANNEL!

ViaLula:  Lol, somebody is grumpy again.

Danielle:  I like the “again” in reference to your balls melting away. This implies that it has happened before and that your balls are in fact regenerative. Impressive.

Left Of Sean:  They’re not as regenerative as they are replaceable. You see, I had the last set made out of a soft, pliable polymer built for speed and comfort. Unfortunately, this high tech material is susceptible to extreme temperatures. It’s really embarrassing when I’m just standing there an my balls start melting down my leg. If this happens again I’m opting for the aluminum set.

Danielle:  {Likes this!}

Robin:  Wait, I’m confused…I thought you were pure milk chocolate?

Left Of Sean:  I tried that once but while I slept the puppies would….well, you know!  I thought it would be a great idea because, you know, women love chocolate.  But the consequences far outweighed the benefits.

*****

So this got me thinking: what other body parts would be really cool to replace with something fun?

I read a Carl Hiassen book last year about a hitman who had his hand replaced with a weed-whacker.  That was a good idea, but I’d be afraid I would always smell like gasoline and decaying grass.  Besides, it might really hurt if you had to pee and used the wrong hand.  Dating could be really, really dangerous.

I thought about the things I like to do in life and how a new hand or leg attachment could make them easier.  I like to write on my blog.  However, I also like to drink a Mocha Frappuccino Lite, no whip, while I’m doing it.  Maybe I could install a head attachment that would hold the drink and a tube that looped around to my mouth.  It would be like those beer helmets but permanent.  Besides, if I wore one of those beer helmets I’d just look stupid.  Doh!

I enjoy texting.  Maybe I could get a Bluetooth device permanently wired into my brain so all I’d have to do was think about what I wanted to text and it would magically send through my iPhone.  I don’t know, that could be a little Big Brother-ish if not handled correctly.

Maybe I should just have six more arms attached.  I love my three puppies but with only two arms, it’s difficult to pet all three at once.  They’re pretty demanding for attention.  This way I could use three arms to pet the puppies, one arm to scratch, one arm to control the TV remote, and texting could be accomplished by the Bluetooth device controlled by the CIA.  The extra arm would just be there for backup in case of an “arm failure.”

I thought about having an Asian hooker attached to my hip…..but I think I’d get tired of her always saying, “that will be $5 Joe!”

I realized the other day that at almost 43 years of age, I haven’t reached the fullest extent of my destructive potential.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve screwed up some things in my life that are irreversible.  But I think I have much more potential as a destructive force in my life and others.

I joke about this but I really shouldn’t.  It’s no laughing matter that I was an absent father to my 18 year old daughter.  It’s no laughing matter that I’m not very close with my grandparents.  But I handle most difficult situations in my life with humor as a coping mechanism.  The more if affects me, the more juvenile and sick the humor.

I noticed something odd the other day though.  My wife has been in a pissy mood for several weeks.  I have no idea if it’s something I did or not.  She doesn’t know why she’s in a bad mood and I find it best to just ignore her and stay away.  She’ll correct it herself at some point and we’ll all live happily ever after…until the next spell.

The problem is that I suffer from a creativity block when she’s in the moods because it pisses me off too.  When I get pissy from her little spells, I can’t seem to concentrate on the task at hand: to make you laugh!

I brought home two boxes of Girl Scout Thin Mints.  That didn’t help.  I took her to an expensive dinner on Valentine’s Day, a day I hate more than anything else in life.  We had shitty service and the meal was quite expensive.  I kept my mouth shut and was cordial and nice to the waitress.  I didn’t even comment to the manager.  Yep, that’s unusual for me, I know.  That didn’t help.

I’m thinking about resorting to jewelry.  But her wedding ring kind of made up for a lifetime of jewelry gifts.  Plus, I’m horrible at stuff like that.  I’ll just have to come up with something else.

Hmm, maybe the mint from the GS cookies is causing a bad reaction and it’s throwing off some kind of chemical in her brain that can only be solved by Godiva chocolate?  It’s a shot I’ll have to take if I want the concentration and creative juices to flow again.

In the meantime, feel free to suggest any special topics you want me to write about.

I’m not sure if my destructive force has caused any of this issue with my wife, but I’m sure it contributed.

Mostly my destructiveness comes from a couple of places: boredom and the fear of responsibility.  If I could be a 16 year old boy the rest of my life, I think I would fare quite well.  I’d certainly be willing to take the flat stomach I had as well as the sex drive!

But that’s not going to happen so I’m going to have to look to the future and learn to handle boredom and responsibility.  Who knows?  One day I might actually have a positive influence on someone’s life!  But don’t hold me to that…

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