@DateFail…
ME:
{Calling KAREN} Hey, I’m here. Are you ready?
KAREN:
Who is this?
ME:
Sean! We have a date tonight?
KAREN:
Oh, I’m sorry. My cat had a stressful day. Can I take a raincheck?
ME:
Ok, have a nice life.
KAREN:
Don’t be like that. I really want to go out with you. I want to spend July 4th with you under the fireworks. A nice bottle of wine and just enjoying the show.
ME:
Ok, I’ll see you then.
July 4th: 5:00pm
ME:
Are you ready?
KAREN:
I’m so sorry, my boss wants us to have a little toast after work. I have to wait for that. I promise, I’ll be there in 45 minutes.
July 4th: 6:15pm
ME:
{Voicemail} Hey, it’s 6:15pm. We really need to get going if we’re going to get a good spot.
July 4th: 7:00pm
ME:
{ text message} Ok, I’m going to go ahead and leave. I have included the directions. Call me when you get here.
July 4th: 8:00pm
ME:
{text message} I decided to drink the wine I brought and I ate all the cheese. I’m feeling sick and might throw up.
July 4th: 9:30pm
ME:
{text message} bitch!
July 4th: 9:36pm
ME:
{text message} Ok, fuck you then. When I get home from the hospital I’m going to defriend you. I hate you and your stupid cat.
July 5th: 3:42am
{knocking at my door}
KAREN:
{text message} Hey, where are you?
ME:
I’m sitting in my house recovering from food poisoning.
KAREN:
Didn’t you hear me knocking? I’m outside. Let me in.
ME:
I saw you through the peephole.
KAREN:
I’ve been meaning to call you. What a fucked up night. I think I’m tripping on acid.
ME:
You totally blew me off!
KAREN:
No, no. I met these totally amazing people and things got a little out of hand. I want to apologize. Will you let me in? The walls are melting and I think I peed my pants.
ME:
Sure, leave me a message and let me know when you want to come in.
KAREN:
I’m here. Just let me in.
ME:
Cool. Keep me posted.
KAREN:
Let me in!
ME:
{beeeeeeeeeep} You have reached a number that has been disconnected or is out of service. If you feel……
KAREN:
Fuck you.
