Left Of Sean

Here we go again…

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Q. My New Wife, the Former Bridezilla: I just got married a few weeks ago. When we opened our wedding gifts, my wife was startled to find a book on bridal etiquette. The book came in a package enclosed with no name, just a note saying, “For next time, you might need this.”

Inside the book, there were things highlighted that my wife should have done, like paying for the rehearsal dinner and sending thank-you cards. My wife is FURIOUS. She knows it must be one of her close friends, because some of the things that were highlighted in the book were things that only our close friends and family knew. She’s on the warpath.

Here’s the catch—I know exactly who sent the book. It was one of her bridesmaids, in fact it was her “best friend.” I am torn between telling my wife and keeping it quiet, because truth be told, my wife was the DEFINITION of a bridezilla when planning out our wedding, and I felt bad for her attendants. There were times when even I was doubting our relationship. The girl who sent the book obviously has no intention of telling my wife, but I don’t really WANT to tell her either. I want her to think about how crappily she treated her friends and family, including her new in-laws. Am I obligated to tell my wife about her “friend?”

A. I understand your quandary.  You’re married to this horrible bitch and you don’t know how to get rid of her.  I think the best thing for you to do is start sleeping with the bridesmaid who gave that bitch the book.  Better yet, get her pregnant.

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Q. Bizarre Child’s Name: What can you do when your daughter has given your grandson a completely weird first and middle name? I am so upset that she and her husband gave this child a name that will be a detriment his whole life. I can’t even use his initials to call him by. Do I attempt to talk to them about this? Heartbroken Grandmother.

A.  Hey Heartbroken Grandmother, I’m only going to say this once so listen carefully: IT’S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS SO BUT THE FUCK OUT!

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Q. Adult Adoption Ruining the Family: Six months ago, my parents adopted a 30-year-old man they have known for years. He is not disabled in any way, is married, and has three children.

While I am a big supporter of adoption, this adult adoption is not good for my family. This man is everything that my mother used to warn me about—sexist, racist, shoots guns for fun, and is always a jerk. He was stationed in Iraq six years ago, and that is when my mother became obsessed with him. She would drop anything for him, even doing things she would never do for her biological children.

When he returned, he moved into my parents’ home, and it got worse. He taught her to shoot, although she always told me to stay away from guns. She would plan family events (like Father’s Day) with him and his new wife/children, and exclude my sister and me—even inviting him to my grandfather’s funeral though they had never met.

When my parents told me they were adopting him, I told them that if they adopted him, I would distance myself from them. That was six months ago, and I have not spoken to them since.

My problem is, now I am getting married, and I am unsure of what to do. I am still angry and upset over their choice, but I am unsure if I should involve them since they are my parents. Is there a proper and possibly less hurtful way to inform my parents they are not invited or needed, or should I just get over it?

A.  How the fuck do you adopt a 30 year old man?  Are you parents retarded?  You should probably have them committed.

It’s obvious your parents have no love for you.  I think the problem is all on your shoulders.  You should figure out what you did wrong and try to make it right.  Maybe you were just a bad child.  Or are you gay?  Maybe you didn’t love Jesus enough?  Are you a heathen?  Or worse, a liberal?

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Q. Unrequited Love: I’m in love with my married boss. He’s a smart, kind, and intelligent guy, and I’ve had feelings for him for a few months now. I consider him one of my best friends, and we’ve shared a lot with each other.

He’s confided in me about family issues, career concerns, and occasionally about general marriage issues. Although nothing inappropriate has happened between us, I’d bet that his wife wouldn’t be happy to know that her husband is this close to a younger, reasonably attractive woman. I honestly don’t believe he would ever actually make a move, but through our conversations and the way I catch him looking at me sometimes, I don’t think I’m the only one who has had these feelings.

I’m at the point where I look forward to seeing him every day, and I miss him whenever he’s not around. I imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship with him, and there’s nothing I want more. I know this is an extremely unhealthy “relationship,” and if he does feel the same way, I’d be in even bigger trouble, but I don’t know what to do.

A. Dear Broken Hearted, you’re fat aren’t you?  Anyone who says “reasonably attractive” is probably fat.  You think you’re hot but you’re really not.  Or worse, do you look like Snooki?

As for your boss, if he’s into fat chicks, I say go ahead and offer to fuck him.  It’s not like you’re going to get laid elsewhere.  I mean, you’re repulsive!  You should probably go to his house and tell his wife that you’re going to steal her man.  Nothing says crazy, fucked up Ho on the side like getting the wife involved and creating a total mess.

Good luck!

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He’s at it again….

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Dear Sean,
At the age of 21, I dropped out of college midway through my senior year to take care of my ailing mother. My father continued to work while I cared for her day in and day out for two and a half years. I borrowed $4,500 from my father to pay for my expenses during that time. After she passed away, my father collected her life insurance money and began receiving a hefty pension from her state job. Imagine my surprise when I not only received nothing from her life insurance money but was also presented with the bill for the money I borrowed! It’s been more than a year now, and while I have not paid any of the money back, he never fails to bring up the fact that I “owe” him. Should I just pay the money and keep quiet, or should I present him with my own bill for the two and a half years of my life that I gave up?

—Missing Mom

Dear Missing Mom, your dad is a selfish fucktard.  You should plant drugs on him and call the police.  Maybe getting anally raped in prison for 10 years will clear out the pile of shit that is obviously clogging up his brain!

Of just have him killed.

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Dear Sean,
My husband and I are both in our mid-20s. My husband is an only child, and his parents gave him a gift of a generous amount of money for the down payment on our home. His parents, who live overseas, have decided they want to move to the United States. They have also decided to move into our home instead of getting their own place. After I had time to think it through and come to terms with the idea of living with my in-laws, who are in their early 50s, they dropped another bomb. They wish to move into the master bedroom—and my husband has agreed to it! I know that they have paid off more than half the cost of the house for us, but I’m at a loss for what to do. I don’t want to feel like a teenager again, living in my parents’ house. I love my husband and in-laws dearly and don’t want to hurt them, but the idea of it becoming “their” home rather than “ours” is very upsetting to me. Am I being too sensitive over a room?

—Wife Without a Home

Dear Sucker, here are three things I learned from your letter: 1) you are screwed. 2) your husband is a complete moron. 3) your inlaws are total assholes.

I’ll give you the absolute truth about this situation: you’re headed for divorce.  Why?  Because your inlaws are intrusive and your husband is a pussy.  You’ll never get him to cut the cord.  Dump that piece of shit and move on with your life while you’re young…or you’re going to suffer a long and miserable married existence.

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Dear Sean,
I am divorced and live in a condominium complex with my 7-year-old daughter. There is a man we run into at the pool constantly—he is a wonderful person and very nice to my daughter. I have absolutely no romantic interest in him, but it is clear that he would like to be more than friends. Usually we chat about current events, but this past weekend he came over to me, suntan lotion in hand, and asked whether I would “do his back.” I am squeamish generally, and he has a hairy, acne-covered back. I applied the lotion, but I do not want to do it again. I feel he crossed a very obvious line. What should I say if he asks again?

—Baffled

Dear Baffled, have one more conversation with Spackle Back Larry.  This time, tell him about the horrible case of gonorrhea you contracted at a motorcycle rally this summer playing Pass The Bitch with the Hell’s Angels.  Explain to him that they still haven’t figured out why you have been transferring the disease through non-sexual contact but that you’d be happy to slather some lotion on his crater of a back.  Then look at him and say, “You know, there’s a cure for that!“  When he asks “what?” say, “gorilla hair and zits, you fucktard!“  I’m pretty sure he won’t bother you any more.

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Dear Sean,
I recently signed up for a walk to help raise money for a worthy cause. I sent out e-mails to friends, family, and colleagues soliciting support. I stated that even a $5 donation would be appreciated. I’m delighted with the amount I’ve been able to raise, and for those who have not donated, I understand that it’s not everybody’s cause, finances are tight, people don’t like to donate online, etc. I don’t harbor any resentment. Except, there are a few people on the list for whom I have done significant favors. Writing résumés and cover letters for one friend, designing business cards and brochures for another, buying junk for a colleague’s kids’ school fundraisers. One friend even requested a donation on behalf of a cancer walk! I happily gave my time and money, never even considering some sort of payback. So now I find myself dismayed at both their reactions and mine. Not even $5—really? Should I send a reminder e-mail or say something? It feels so petty, but I’m having trouble letting it go.

—Favorless

Dear Dumbass, what gets me about this letter is the fact that you said, “…never even considering some sort of payback…“  Then, you write a letter to an advice column wondering why your friends didn’t PAY YOU BACK!  Seriously, fuck off! Go peddle your cause somewhere else besides your friends.  And the next time they call you, tell them to do the same.  God are you really this stupid?

My god there are a lot of fucked up people in the world….or just really, really stupid people.  I think that’s evidenced by the ridiculous letters we (and by we I mean the letters I steal from Dear Prudence at Slate.com) receive here at Left Of Sean.

I hope this isn’t indicative of the state of this nation….but I’m afraid I’m wrong.

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Dear Left of Sean:
My 7-year-old daughter is smart, pretty, and fun. Her father is of Hispanic descent, and he’s gorgeous, but he has a lot of thick, black body hair—including a “unibrow,” which he’s plucked since he was a teenager. Our daughter has inherited his thick, dark hair and my fair skin, and I’m shocked to see that her coarse eyebrows are starting to grow together—downy hairs are appearing across the bridge of her nose. She is beautiful, but her eyebrows bother me. Her 10-year-old cousin has a shockingly thick unibrow, and she came home in tears because her classmates teased her. She took a razor to her face and ended up cutting herself badly. I don’t want any of this to happen to my daughter, but I’m disgusted with myself for having such a reaction to a few stray hairs. Showing my daughter pictures of Frida Kahlo and talking to her about inner beauty will be worse than a lie, since I’m obviously bothered by her eyebrows! I’ve been tempted to look into electrolysis down the road, but what kind of maternal instinct is that?

—Shallow Mom

Dear Shallow Mom, if the “unibrow” was good enough for The Madonna Spawn, it’s good enough for your little Beaner.  Just make sure the brow matches her mustache!

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Dear Left Of Sean,
My fiance and I are getting married soon and have been discussing our ceremony. Our idea was to honor our families by having our parents and siblings walk the aisle before we do. I have four siblings, two of whom are married, and he has one sister and a cousin, whom he considers a brother. So I will have eight people walking down the aisle, and he will have four. Lately, he’s been making quite a fuss about how things are not “balanced.” So he has suggested that I either choose only one brother or not send my sisters-in-law down the aisle—or that he be allowed to add a couple of his friends. I’m flabbergasted. I’ve tried to explain that choosing between my siblings is not an option and that my sisters-in-law are like my sisters. I don’t want to start adding friends because I’d like to keep this a family procession. What am I not seeing here?

—Aisle of Pain

Dear Aisle of Pain, your first mistake was getting married.  What kind of tard are you?  Oh, that’s right, you’re the needy type.  Look, I wouldn’t worry about this.  You’ll be divorced in less than three years anyway.  You’re ignorant and your fiance is a whiny little wimp.  You’ll never make it.  Did he get beaten up a lot in school?

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Dear Left Of Sean,
I raised two daughters as a single parent by choice. I see now that children need a mom and dad, but it’s too late for that. I worked many jobs to give them everything possible so they would feel equal to their friends who were growing up in two-parent households. I dipped into my retirement account many times to pay for vacations, college, etc. When my daughters were 20 and 13, I met a wonderful guy who had an older child of his own. The two of us continued the ridiculous cycle of giving them everything they wanted, such as new cars, expensive birthday parties, etc. After the economy tumbled, our income was slashed, and we had to sell our house. We are struggling to pay our bills. Our now-grown children are all employed and making decent money. My gripe is that even though they know our situation, they’ve never offered to help. They don’t even take us out to dinner for our birthdays! How do I tell them that I’m hurt about their lack of concern and would like to be treated by them once in a while?

—Tired of Giving

Dear Ignorant Mother, if you’re too fucking weak and stupid to talk to your own kids, just kill yourself and rid the world of one less moron.  Your stupidity started from the beginning: giving the kids anything they wanted.  Face it, they are selfish and shallow and you’re naive and stupid.  It’s parents like you that are the reason for the downfall of the United States.  Your kids grew up never knowing how to work for anything nor appreciate effort.  They grew up like this because they had a stupid mother who handed them everything.

If the girls are hot you can disregard the above statement.

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Dear Left Of Sean,
I’m a bargain-hunter and sometimes find great deals on gift certificates for expensive restaurants in my city. These restaurants are normally out of my price range, but I enjoy romantic dinners there. Is it cheap or tacky to use such gift certificates on a date, especially one of the first few dates?

—Frugal

Dear Frugal, I say go for it.  Put on your “Ross: Dress for Distress” suit and get in your 1992 Dodge K Car.  Head on over to your date’s trailer and say, “dinner’s on me!”

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Little Suzy is digging through the millions of toys in her room.  She discards the Barbie.  She tosses the stuff animals.  Candyland?  No way.  That’s not what she’s looking for.  And there it is.  Something to really make her think.  Something to challenge her mind.  A puzzle!

She takes it into the kitchen and asks her mom if it’s ok to put the puzzle together on the kitchen table.  Why sure Suzy.  Go ahead.

So Suzy starts to put together her puzzle.  It takes hours and hours.  She tirelessly hovers over the puzzle looking for the edges first, then putting together a flower or a balloon.  She can pick out the similar colors and form different parts of the puzzle.

At bedtime she asks her mother to please let her stay up and finish the puzzle.  She’s worked so hard on it, it would be a shame to not finish before she goes to bed.  Mom says sure, it’s a Friday night and that will be ok.

11:00pm, midnight, 1:00am, 2:00am, 3:00am, 3:30am, 3:52am……

Suzy is down to the end.  She can see the picture coming together now and only has a few pieces left.  Now only three pieces, and two, and one.  One piece left.  She carefully places it in its correct position and looks at her masterpiece.  Her jaw drops open and she realizes that one piece is missing.

She searches the table.  She searches the floor.  She blames the dog.  She blames her brother.  She looks at the cat and curses.  She searches her pockets.  Nothing.

She turns the house upside down.  Her room has been thoroughly searched.  Nothing.  It’s nowhere to be found.

Suzy takes a deep, deep, DEEP breath and screams at the top of her lungs at 4:00am….

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Windows shatter.  The cat runs for cover.  The dog pees.  Two roaches eating Fruit Loops in the cupboard simultaneously explode.

WHERE IS THE LAST PIECE?

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I’ll tell you where it is Little Suzy.  You dropped it on the ground in the Pizza Inn parking lot and Left Of Sean is holding it for ransom.

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Time for another installment of asinine advice from an unqualified asshat…

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Pensacola, Fla.: I know this sounds stupid and petty. I have a great husband and love him more than anything—but he does something that ends up causing a fight every time. He thinks it’s hilarious to pull my pants down, for instance, when I am doing dishes or just getting up off the couch. It’s constant, and I find it annoying and unfunny. When I ask him to stop, he gets pouty and says I am not playful, and it’s “not like it’s in public.” Well, I don’t care—I think it’s weird, and I hate it. How can I get this to stop without causing a fight?

Left Of Sean: Yes, you are being stupid and petty.  When this happens, just bend over and enjoy the ride!  You obviously are not providing your husband with the daily sex he requires.  Apparently you didn’t read the license you signed when you got married.  Now be a good wife and go finish those dishes!

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Confused in Connecticut: I’m 30 years old and have been married for just over a year. My husband is a year older than me, and I guess we’re at the point in our lives where our friends start having children. I went to visit one of these friends and her newborn son this weekend, and as I left, my husband commented that he hoped the baby cried, so that “you won’t want one.” I asked him about this comment when I got home, as (I thought) I had always been quite clear that having children was important to me. He replied that he thought he could have a happy and fulfilled life with or without children but that he knew it was important to me. To me, this is not the same as saying, “Yes, I want to be a father someday.” Am I wrong to feel betrayed by this? We dated for SIX years before we got married—six years in which the topic of children came up numerous times. I even went through one of those pre-wedding checklists with him which discussed things like the type of values we’d want our children to have and how we’d divide the burden of child-rearing. Now I feel like he was just agreeing with me. I love him, but I’m seriously shaken by this. I don’t want to have children with someone who doesn’t also really want them.

Left Of Sean:  Wow, fooled again.  It seems that your husband fooled you into marriage because you were willing to let him “hit it for a cause!“  You are obviously destroying his will to live and will probably be responsible for his demise.  This problem can be solved with a couple of small purchases: a case of beer and a Girls Gone Wild DVD.  That should make him happy again and get back on the right track.

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Chatty Cathy: We recently moved to the ‘burbs and have a house with a nice fenced backyard. We (especially the kid and the dog) are really enjoying it. Our only problem is our one next-door neighbor. She is in her 60s and lives with her 92-year-old mother. Whenever we are outside, even if it’s just the dog running around, she comes out. She’ll have treats for the dog or chat with my son or husband and I. It’s making me enjoy the yard less and less. I can’t let the dog out for a quick pee, and my son comes in every time talking about “Sue.” I wanted to sit outside to read in the gorgeous weather this weekend but had to make an excuse after a half-hour conversation to go inside. She seems lonely, and I don’t want to be rude. But I don’t know what to do.

Left Of Sean:  This is a problem.  You’re experiencing what I call neighboring vox hemorrhoidum, better known as “That pain in the ass next door!“  She’s old.  She’s lonely.  She’s probably a bible thumper.  There’s only one way to get rid of this type of person: pretend to worship satan.  Go to the hardware store and buy some cheap 2×4′s.  Nail them into a cross and place them in the back yard where she can see them.  When she asks what they’re for, reply, “Oh those?  We’re sacrificing a goat for Lucifer tonight.  Would you like to join us?“  That should do it.  If she’s still trying to make conversation after the sacrifice, you’re going to have to kill her.

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hat happens in Vegas stays in Vegas: A good friend and his fiancee go to Vegas on a business trip. They are out one night and his fiancee disappears. She isn’t answering her phone and doesn’t come back to the room that night. But she reappears the next morning and says she “doesn’t remember” what happened or where she was, and she lost her phone at some point during the night.

They are planning to get married in a couple of weeks and just signed a long-term lease together. He thinks he can’t walk away despite her lack of answers. He is concerned that this kind of thing will happen again and clearly now isn’t as trusting as he was before. He’s conflicted but thinks that backing out at this late date is a bad idea.

Do I A) stand by quietly as the best man and watch him marry this woman or B) explain to him that I can’t in good faith be the best man when he clearly is so conflicted?

Left Of Sean: Dude, that chick totally got tag-teamed by a group of drunk frat boys in a casino.  I have two questions for you: 1) Is she hot?  2)  Are you opposed to bribery?  If you answered yes to the first question but no to the second, you just scored free sex for many, many years.  If you answered no to the first question, the second question is moot.  If you answered yes to both questions, you’re gay.

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Alexandria (via Ohio): I have a wedding question that might upset readers, but here goes. My fiance and I recently called off our summer wedding because we realized we couldn’t afford it. It wasn’t going to be a dramatic affair—no flowers, basic decor, etc.—but even that was going to wipe out our savings. It hurt for a while to give up something I’d been looking forward to, but we both feel okay.

His parents were understanding, but mine balked. My mother had paid for the reception rental—about $500, for which we said we’d reimburse her. Out of the blue, she and my father offered us $2,000 to help cover expenses. You’d think I’d be over the moon, but I’m not. My two younger sisters are going to private college this fall, and I know this puts a strain on their finances. Plus, even with their money, we’d be close to wiping out our savings (and this is after cutting everything but the non-negotiables out of the budget). I was at the point where I was just looking forward to a relaxing summer. (I’m a teacher.) Do I go along with Mom, or do I say no and deny her what she wants?

Left Of Sean: Why would you want to get married?

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