My first Facebook Status Update this morning went something like this:

Left Of Sean:  9:37am and it’s already 90 degrees. Hope my balls don’t melt away again!

ViaLula:  I think for Christmas I am going to buy you a filter. A filter? A filter to put in between your thoughts and print.

Left Of Sean:  Why would I ever want to install something like that? As I tell the Jesus Tard people: if you don’t like it, CHANGE THE FUCKING CHANNEL!

ViaLula:  Lol, somebody is grumpy again.

Danielle:  I like the “again” in reference to your balls melting away. This implies that it has happened before and that your balls are in fact regenerative. Impressive.

Left Of Sean:  They’re not as regenerative as they are replaceable. You see, I had the last set made out of a soft, pliable polymer built for speed and comfort. Unfortunately, this high tech material is susceptible to extreme temperatures. It’s really embarrassing when I’m just standing there an my balls start melting down my leg. If this happens again I’m opting for the aluminum set.

Danielle:  {Likes this!}

Robin:  Wait, I’m confused…I thought you were pure milk chocolate?

Left Of Sean:  I tried that once but while I slept the puppies would….well, you know!  I thought it would be a great idea because, you know, women love chocolate.  But the consequences far outweighed the benefits.

*****

So this got me thinking: what other body parts would be really cool to replace with something fun?

I read a Carl Hiassen book last year about a hitman who had his hand replaced with a weed-whacker.  That was a good idea, but I’d be afraid I would always smell like gasoline and decaying grass.  Besides, it might really hurt if you had to pee and used the wrong hand.  Dating could be really, really dangerous.

I thought about the things I like to do in life and how a new hand or leg attachment could make them easier.  I like to write on my blog.  However, I also like to drink a Mocha Frappuccino Lite, no whip, while I’m doing it.  Maybe I could install a head attachment that would hold the drink and a tube that looped around to my mouth.  It would be like those beer helmets but permanent.  Besides, if I wore one of those beer helmets I’d just look stupid.  Doh!

I enjoy texting.  Maybe I could get a Bluetooth device permanently wired into my brain so all I’d have to do was think about what I wanted to text and it would magically send through my iPhone.  I don’t know, that could be a little Big Brother-ish if not handled correctly.

Maybe I should just have six more arms attached.  I love my three puppies but with only two arms, it’s difficult to pet all three at once.  They’re pretty demanding for attention.  This way I could use three arms to pet the puppies, one arm to scratch, one arm to control the TV remote, and texting could be accomplished by the Bluetooth device controlled by the CIA.  The extra arm would just be there for backup in case of an “arm failure.”

I thought about having an Asian hooker attached to my hip…..but I think I’d get tired of her always saying, “that will be $5 Joe!”

I dig golf.  I have played for years and used to be pretty damn good.  But I’ve put up the sticks the last few years and they are collecting dust in my attic.  This was mainly because I dropped my membership to Quail Creek Country Club and got a motorcycle.

But I love to watch golf.  I watch the PGA & LPGA and sometimes I’ll watch the silly season of skins games at the end of the year.

Today I’ve been watching the LPGA’s Kraft Nabisco Championship on CBS.  As expected, the announcers have to push the other CBS programs while they are on the air.

Here’s a statement from one of the announcers:

“It’s murder on an indian reservation….this week on The Mentalist!”

I listened to this statement and had an epiphany:  TV is stupid.  The Mentalist is dumb enough, but then you have the reality shows, news shows, game shows.  It’s just stupid.  That’s the best word I can come up with at the moment.

For the last two weeks, Jen and I have basically turned off the TV.  I watch about 10 minutes in the morning to get the daily weather and I’ve been leaving it off in the evening and either reading or writing.

I have to say that I have really enjoyed the silence and the lack of ridiculosity!

Tonight I’ll go to my parent’s house to watch the HBO series Pacific.  Other than the news today and the HBO show tonight, most likely the only other TV I’ll watch will be the basketball game tomorrow night.  Then the TV will be shut off the rest of the week.

You might ask why I’m writing a $105 check each month for silence?  I’m questioning that myself.  Maybe it’s because I’m addicted to reruns of M*A*S*H and Golden Girls.  I have a Betty White thing!

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Tiger Woods had a press conference today to say he was sorry for all his transgressions.  Boy did he have a lot of sex with some… ok, they were of questionable beauty.  But he had fun while it lasted!

I’ve kept kind of quiet about Tiger since this story broke.  I’m a big fan of Tiger so I didn’t really want to fuel the fire by influencing both of my readers.  But I have to say now that I think Tiger went about this all wrong.

Tiger should have walked straight out to the press and said, “Hell yeah I fucked all those women!  Was it right?  No, but I did it….oh, and by the way, I’m taking a little break.  I’ll be back in few months.”

I’m pretty sure Elin is history so why not just admit it from the start and move on.  Pay her the $100 million she’ll get out of you anyway and move on with your life.  The problem now is that you said nothing and now two months later (or however long it has been) we are STILL seeing your mug in the news.

Tiger, buddy, you could have dumped this problem by confronting it immediately and, while it’s serious, laughing it off and letting it die off in the night.

When I was in high school I ended up drunk and passed out in the front yard of a HUGE party where almost the entire school was gathering.  That was a Friday night.  Saturday night I walked right back out to another party with the same classmates and let them get their barbs in.

Monday morning at school I heard not a word.  No one EVER mentioned it ever again.  This isn’t on the same scale as Tiger, but come one!  Tiger, you fucked up on this one from a PR standpoint.

I’ll still watch you play golf but I have to question your ability to stay focused now.  I want you to be the greatest golfer of all time and I’m afraid this is going to stop that goal in its tracks.

Although, once Elin leaves, I’m sure you won’t have any trouble getting laid!

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This is a nice article about Tiger Woods’ niece, Cheyenne. This is from the NY Times.  Here’s the source.

**********

Following a Famous Uncle and Also Her Ambition

Cheyenne Woods’s recollection of her first professional golf tournament is understandably fuzzy. She was 19 months old and strapped into a stroller that her mother, Susan, pushed around the grounds of Riviera Country Club during the 1992 Nissan Los Angeles Open.

They were there to watch the PGA Tour debut of Woods’s uncle, Tiger, who was 16 years old and the reigning United States Junior Amateur champion. Against a backdrop of spectators shouting, “You the kid!” Tiger shot five over par in his first two rounds and missed the cut.

Susan recalls steering the stroller into the eucalyptus trees so that Tiger would not be distracted by Cheyenne’s fussing. According to family lore, that was the week the toddler picked up a golf club in the garage of her grandfather’s house in Orange County and made her first swing.

Seventeen years later, she is taking baby steps toward her dream of following her famous uncle into professional golf. Woods, who will be a sophomore at Wake Forest, received a sponsor’s exemption into the L.P.G.A. event this week in suburban Rochester.

It will be her first tour event, and although she is older than Tiger was when he made his PGA debut as an amateur, she said she never thought she would be testing herself against professionals this young.

“I couldn’t believe it,” Cheyenne Woods said this month after a practice session in Scottsdale, Ariz. She had paid $20 for a bucket of balls and was hitting irons on the range of a resort before driving across town to play 18 holes at a course where she is not charged for her rounds. “I was really excited.”

She found out about the invitation shortly before the end of the academic year as she was leaving her Spanish class and heading for her writing class. She texted her mother and also Tiger, whose father, Earl, had three children, including her father, Earl Jr., during his first marriage.

It never crossed Woods’s mind not to accept the invitation, but her mother, who is divorced from Cheyenne’s father, had reservations. When your last name is Woods and your game is golf, expectations come with the tee time.

Woods has won more than 30 amateur tournaments, and she was the second-lowest scorer for Wake Forest, which finished in a tie for 13th last month at the N.C.A.A. women’s championships. But Susan said she worried that Cheyenne’s credentials would matter less to people than her surname.

“She wanted to do it from the beginning, but my concern was, Is she ready?” Susan said. “I just don’t want her to be crushed.”

Tiger encouraged her to go for it, Woods said, and so did Dianne Dailey, her coach at Wake Forest; and her swing coach in Arizona, Mike LaBauve.

“She’s not scared,” LaBauve said. “She’s not going to go into something like this fearful.”

It is not just her family name that Woods has pressure to uphold. Every time she steps to the tee, she is representing African-Americans, who do not have many role models in women’s golf. According to the L.P.G.A. Web site, three African-Americans have had a tour playing card, none since LaRee Sugg in 2000.

Woods, who bears a striking facial resemblance to Tiger — except for her nose piercing — said, “If I wasn’t ready, then it probably wouldn’t be good for me to go out and not play well.”

Earl Sr. was Cheyenne Woods’s first coach. She says she remembers playing at a tournament in Southern California when she was 8 and receiving a visit from her grandfather. He had her practice her chipping by hitting balls over a suitcase on the floor of her hotel room. She would talk to Earl on the telephone and visit him in the summer in California.

“She just thought he was the wisest person,” Susan said. “No matter what you asked him, he had a way of looking at the big picture.”

Since Earl’s death in 2006, Tiger has been there as her sounding board, Woods said, filling the role that his father once played. When Tiger competed in a tournament in Charlotte, N.C., last month, he left tickets for Cheyenne and her teammates, and they attended the final round.

When she arrived at Wake Forest, people knew her as Tiger’s niece. A couple of her teammates, Woods said, later told her they half-expected her to be a name-dropping prima donna. Her low-maintenance personality and high-voltage laugh soon erased that notion, Dailey said.

Woods does not often mention her uncle, Dailey said, and asked for no special favors, playing her way on to every traveling team. In the team’s first 36-hole qualifier last fall, battling strep throat and barely able to swallow, she managed to make the top five. She finished the year with a tie for 70th at the N.C.A.A. tournament.

On Tuesday, Dailey phoned a Wegmans L.P.G.A. official to see how Woods was doing and received a glowing review. She was told that since Woods’s arrival Sunday, she has been here, there, everywhere — hospitals, sponsor meet-and-greets, golf clinics. The tournament does not start until Thursday, and it already sounded to Dailey as if Woods had won a considerable following.

She said she was not surprised. “If she were not Tiger Woods’s niece, she would still have a specialness about her,” Dailey said. “She has a knack for being a role model.”

Little girls are drawn to her, Dailey said, adding: “She’ll look them in the eye, shake their hand and talk to them for 30 minutes. She is so poised.”

Perhaps this week on the big stage, Woods will spark someone’s interest in golf, the way her uncle sparked hers the week of his first appearance in a pro tournament.

“That would be really cool,” she said.