Left Of Sean

Imagine this: you’re driving down the road and you look into your rearview mirror to see a car tailgating you.  After a little closer inspection you realize that it’s a woman…..on the phone, smoking a cigarette, and applying makeup.

The horror of the situation starts to creep down your spine, reaching your stomach.  You realize that at any second you’re going to have to apply pressure to the brake and slow your vehicle to an eventual stop.  The question is, will the dumb bitch behind you stop too?

There’s another age old question:  who are the worst drivers?  Men or women?

As a man, I say women.  I can also back that statement up with a set of statistics from Johns Hopkins University.

Here’s my favorite part:

Overall, men were involved in 5.1 crashes per million miles driven compared to 5.7 crashes for women, despite the fact that on average they drove 74 percent more miles per year than did women.

The investigators determined that about half of the 3.1-fold difference between the sexes’ fatal crash involvement rates was due to the fact that males’ crashes were more severe. Another 40 percent was due to the fact that men, who on average drove many more miles than women, thus had a greater opportunity of being in a crash; and 8 percent because of gender differences in “crash incidence density,” the number of crashes per million person-miles.

So, the next time that woman is tailgating, pull over and tell her that she sucks as a driver and is more likely to get into an accident.  However, if she does cause an accident with you, it will most likely end up resulting in her death.

However, if she’s hot, just ask for her phone number and shut the fuck up.

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*******

Dear Sean,
My husband was recently laid off from his job and is trying to start his own company from home. I work from home half the week, so we now see each other much more frequently. The close quarters have not been good for us. Little things that never bothered him before now cause him to nag (I don’t empty the dishwasher right away, or the laundry may pile up), which leads to blowout fights. Worst of all, he has become increasingly verbally abusive when we fight, insulting my intelligence, punching walls, and throwing things (although not at me). I’m starting to feel like a martyr because I have to apologize for every little transgression. When I told him this, he said I can’t fault him for my faults. We just got married last month, and I’m not considering divorce, but I can’t keep living like this. I understand he has a lot of stress, but my work is starting to suffer because of the constant pressure I am under from him. What can I do to make this situation better?

—Prisoner in Own Home

Dear Prisoner, I don’t understand your problem?

******

Dear Sean,
I’m in my mid-20s and recently engaged to a wonderful man. When I was in college, I intentionally overdosed. Luckily, I was found before anything horrible happened, but my goal was suicide. I was having a hard time adjusting to going away to school and was involved in a very unhealthy relationship. Afterward, I went to counseling and sorted myself out. Before the attempt, I would casually think about suicide as an easy way out if things ever got too bad. Since then, I’ve come to realize I want to stick around no matter what life throws at me. My fiance doesn’t know about any of this. I can’t help but be worried that if he finds out, it might change things. We’re very honest with each other, but I don’t want this to negatively influence his perception of me. Since it happened so long ago and I am truly recovered, is this something he should know about?

—Conflicted

Dear Conflicted, if you’re hot he won’t care.

******

Dear Sean,
I am having a hard time concentrating at work. The front of my cubicle has become a popular gathering spot in my office. Today, three colleagues were standing there chatting away while one was unconsciously tapping my desk lamp. I have a job that requires me to really focus on what I am doing. Sometimes I wear headphones to signal that I don’t want to be disturbed. I avoid eye contact, because I have come to realize that this is an open invitation to stop and chat. But nothing seems to work. This afternoon, in frustration, I took my work to a meeting room. In less than 10 minutes my co-workers were peeking in, asking what I was doing in there. Unfortunately, one of the biggest offenders is my own supervisor. I worry that if I bring this up, I will just look grumpy. What should I do?

—Constantly Distracted

Dear Distracted, place a sign at the end of your desk that says, “Please join my prayer circle!”  When they start chatting stand up and say, “Good, you’re all here.  Let’s start by standing in a circle and holding hands.”

*******

Dear Sean,
I live in the suburbs of a very green city. I turn off the lights when I leave the room, don’t leave the water running when I brush my teeth, and so on. However, I do use air conditioning at this time of year, because it’s usually around 90 degrees during the summer. I try to limit how much I use the AC, though. This wouldn’t be a problem if not for my very close, very environmentally concerned friend, who absolutely despises air conditioning. I don’t keep it on during her visits, but she knows that I use it. When she comes over, which is about once a week or so, she always manages to lecture me about how I’m killing the environment because of my own selfish wants. I’ve tried to get her to see my reasons for using the AC, but she won’t listen. I simply don’t know how to deal with her.

—Fuming

Dear Fuming, tell your 70s bush granola tard of a friend to stop coming over.  Oh wait, first, GROW SOME FUCKING BALLS so you will understand how to handle this problem on your own instead of airing your worthless, pitiful problems on an advice column.

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He’s at it again!  It has been a while but the letters this week were just too juicy to pass up…

Here’s the deal (for you new readers).  These are letters to Dear Prudence from Slate.com.  While Prudie is cool and tries to answer with some kind of journalistic integrity and tact, I don’t have to use any tact…..or class….because I own this blog.

Oh yeah, there’s a little humor thrown in for good measure.

Take it all with a grain of salt people.  This is just comedy!

***********************

Dear Sean,
I am in my 30s, own my house, and have a good job. I also have an adorable 4-year-old daughter and am in a loving and supportive live-in relationship of three years. (He’s not my daughter’s father.) My boyfriend recently told me that he would like it if I got breast implants. I am a B cup, and although he says he loves my body, he adds, “But I’d really like it if your breasts were larger.” This came up when I discovered that my boyfriend was regularly watching porn. His explanation is that he prefers a different body type from mine. This was news to me, since we have sex one or two times a day, and it’s excellent. I have never felt insecure about my body—just the opposite, as I have worked as a model. I love him and want him to be happy, and I’m beginning to wonder whether I should go ahead with enhancement just to please him. But I am trying to raise my daughter to be proud of her body, and it will be difficult upholding that if she finds out Mommy changed her body to please a man.

—My B’s Are Getting an F

Dear Tiny Titties, your boyfriend sounds like a douchebag.  I’m guessing he’s really, really stupid since the only useful job for a pair of boobs is to serve as a target!  He’s probably complaining because the target is too small.  Obviously he’s not very skillful in bed because it should be easy to his that target.  Dump that piece of shit.  You’re too good for him.  Then, go out and get you some new ta-tas and a digital camera.

************************

Dear Sean,
My husband and I are empty-nesters in our 50s. My in-laws are in their 80s and live nearby. My mother-in-law feels that it is our responsibility to take them on vacation with us now that they cannot travel as they used to. Having my in-laws on vacation with us (we’ve done it several times) is more stressful than going to work. My husband and I have demanding jobs and need the downtime our vacations allow us—we like to spend summer weekends away. His mother calls every night, begging us to take them. We love his parents, but it’s getting to the point that we are afraid to tell them we’re going away. My husband has siblings who live out of state, and whenever we have a family event out of town, we have complete responsibility for his parents. Are we selfish to want to be alone on our vacations?

—Escape Plans

Dear Escape, this is a difficult situation.  You have to ask yourself two questions: do your in-laws have a lot of money and do you stand a chance at inheriting it?  If they are loaded, kiss some serious geriatric ass.  If they’re poor, tell your mother-in-law to take the cigarette out of her mouth and stop drinking Ripple all day.

If they are somewhere in between you can solve this easily.  Just plan a really, REALLY shitty vacation that you know they’d hate.  You could take them to Oklahoma!!

*************************

Dear Sean,
I work in a social-services-related field and have bipolar disorder. I am open and honest about my diagnosis. I am on medication, have been through years of counseling, and have made a good, stable life for myself. I feel that I am an example for bipolar people. I have been having issues with one of our interns, who is in her mid-20s and pursuing a master’s degree in clinical psychology. On the surface, she is very pleasant. The problem is, anytime she and I disagree about something (which is often, because apparently she knows everything and I know nothing), she rolls her eyes, waves her hand, and declares that I am “just bipolar.” This is alarming to me because she intends to work with such populations, and though I can take it without becoming suicidal, many bipolar people can’t. Part of me wants to simply ignore her, but when I do, she continually asks me, “What’s wrong?” She is probably going to be with us for another year, and I want some peace and a little less condescension when I go to work.

—Tired of Her

Dear Roller Coaster, why do people like you always work in social services?  I guess it takes a fucked up person to work with fucked up people.  You never see a normal, non-mental, un-tard working in child services or in the welfare department.  You should get a real job where psychos like yourself can truly excel.  Here are a few suggestions:

• Bus Driver
• Gun Range Operator
• Republican Politician
• Air Traffic Controller

I would make a really sexist comment about getting some nude pics of that 20-something bitch in your office but I do realize that social workers are required to be obese so please refrain from taking any pictures!!

**************************

Dear Sean,
My stepbrother died last week. My sister asked me to take care of ordering a floral arrangement from our side of the family. I used to work as a florist, I’m a master gardener, and my garden is in full bloom. I made a beautiful arrangement from my garden and brought the flowers and a sympathy card to the funeral home. While at the visitation, my brother asked me what he owed, and I explained I’d made the arrangement. My sister came unglued. She said it was tacky and cheap to not send something from a “real florist.” She said I had embarrassed our side of the family. She got very loud, and people were staring. I was mortified. I later received a note from my stepmother, telling me how much it touched her to know that I made something with my own hands. My sister, however, has aligned herself with two of my stepsisters, and I’ve been receiving daily calls from one or the other of them, telling me how cheap I am. What should I do?

—An Alleged Cheapskate

Dear Floral-ista, your sister is a fucking bitch.  Make a huge arrangement of flowers out of cow shit and send them to her with a card that says, “Have a smelly fucking day you c*nt!”

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I follow a handful of blogs each day.  One of my favorites, shaunaglenn.com, posted an interview with herself.  Basically, she loves her Vanity Fair magazine and always reads the interview in the back of the magazine.  She decided to answer the questions herself….as did I.

That’s right, there are NO original ideas.

*****

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Bean dip, tortilla chips, and porn.

What is your greatest fear?
Being ass-raped in prison.

What is your greatest extravagance?
My giant plastic ear I won at a Dirty Santa party three years ago.

What is your current state of mind?
Horny (I know it’s 7:00am but I can’t control him.  He has a mind of his own!)

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Conformity.

On what occasion do you lie?
Duh, are you reading this blog?  Daily!

What do you dislike most about your appearance?
My trick leg and the fact that all the fingers on my right hand are missing but the middle one.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Tits….no, ass…..no…..the ability to get up after sex and say, “Do you mind if we just roll over and go to sleep?  Can I get you another beer first?”

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Fuck.

When and where were you happiest?
When the doctor said, “Take one of these and the burning will go away.”

Which talent would you most like to have?
Touching my tongue to my forehead!

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I can’t name just one.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
That I’ve never been arrested.

What is your most treasured possession?
The bobble-head Jesus my friend Ranell gave me.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Religion.

What do you most value in your friends?
I don’t have any friends.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Shakespeare…without the talent.  We have a lot of the same clothes though.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Jesus.  If he can feed all those people with just a little fish and bread, imagine what he could do for my bank account!

What is it that you most dislike?
Religion and Oklahoma

What is your greatest regret?
One time I passed out before the girl even got her pants off.

How would you like to die?
I will never die.  I will live forever and cause mayhem and anarchy?

What is your motto?
“Suck it!”

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Wow, two installments in one week.  You might be asking what you did to deserve this.  I look at it not like you deserve it as much as it’s inflicted upon you!

Enjoy!

******

Dear Sean,
I have a supervisor who knows her stuff, and I respect her judgment and guidance. My problem is that she’s very emotional. When she gets upset at something that someone says—which happens constantly, and is usually over nothing—she talks about the person endlessly and vitriolically with her other friends in the office. Also, when she gets upset about a work-related issue, she cries—to me, in my office. For example, the other morning she came into my office, closed the door, and sobbed about what she thought was a snippy comment that someone made in a meeting. She will now hate this person with unbridled passion until a superficial conversation makes them friends again. I have no idea how to deal with this drama. My wife says that women are just different, and I should learn to accept it. I’m at a loss as to how to react.

—John Doe

Dear John Doe, your wife is a moron and probably an easy crier too.  But you’re even dumber for putting up with it.  Dump your wife and get you a young hot thing with no emotions and tell your boss to grow the fuck up and stop acting like a 12 year old little girl.  If she complains, file a harassment complaint with HR and get that idiot fired.  If that doesn’t work, spread a viscous rumor about your boss so she’ll stop talking to you too!

******

Dear Sean,
I recently moved back to my hometown and reconnected with a bunch of my old buddies. While visiting my best friend, whom I’ve known my whole life, I saw that he had a new dog. The dog spends his entire day in the apartment in a crate much better suited for a smaller breed. My friend lets his dog out of his cage only twice a day, 20 minutes at a time. If the dog doesn’t respond at first call, he swiftly kicks it until it whimpers and crawls back into the cage. I told him that’s no way to treat a dog. I checked with our other friends, and they’re also horrified and have told him the same thing. He has no family here anymore, so if I called the authorities and he was arrested, he’d lose his lease and be homeless. This poor dog doesn’t deserve its life, but I’m afraid I can’t do anything without also putting my best friend onto the street.

—Doggone

Dear Doggone, give me the address of this fucking asshole and I’ll take care of it.  Tell him to consider himself lucky that I don’t know where he lives right not because I’d have him locked in that cage all fucking day.

******

Dear Sean,
I’m going to marry my boyfriend of six years in a few months, and we are excited about starting a family. We were best friends during college, and our relationship has matured into a very loving and supportive one. There is one issue that bothers me: his alcohol consumption. We are both moderate drinkers, but he will go through phases of binge drinking that lead to unsavory results. I find his slurring and stumbling unattractive, and he has broken promises to me about drinking with his friends. Last night he soiled himself on his walk home, something he’s never done before. He has a family history of alcoholism and is defensive about this issue. Whenever I discuss my dissatisfaction with his drinking, I come off as judgmental, so I go the route of forgiveness. But I’m feeling angry about his behavior, and I’m even starting to get cold feet. I don’t want to police his drinking habits, but I don’t know how to make him understand that I’m not comfortable with his recent antics.

—Concerned

Dear Delusional Stupid Girl, you do NOT have a loving and supportive relationship if your douchebag fiance acts like this.  Wake up and smell the vomit: he’s an alcoholic you twit.  Either get him some help or dump him.  But do NOT marry him.  God, are you really this fucking stupid?

******

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