Left Of Sean

I awoke this morning to rain.  It has been wet, cold, and dreary for two days now in Bible-land and depression is starting to set in.  I would imagine god is punishing us for allowing homosexuality to exist and that’s why we’re having this bad weather.  How else can you explain crappy weather in a place where morals are so obviously superior to the rest of the world! {fuck I wish you could see the smirk on my face right now!}

The crappy part about this is that I’m having a hard time coming up with blogging topics.  I know you read my blog and think, geez, what a depressing, cynical asshat, but to be honest, I have to be in a good mood to write that cynical, depressing shit.  Call me crazy….wait, I take that back.  Call me….ok, I can’t think of anything.  Just call me something else.

Writer’s block sucks.  It makes you start looking at your surroundings to come up with a topic.  As a blogger/writer, I must write.  I think it’s a law or something.  At the very least it’s an obsession.

My surroundings are shit right now.  I’m sure there’s a story here somewhere but I can’t see it because I’m blinded by The Block.

Here are my surroundings.  There’s a seventy year old child molester sitting across from me.  I’m sure he’s not really a molester, but he has that look.  He’s probably waiting on his seventy year old wife to finish book shopping at B&N.  He’s not shopping with her…or himself…because he’s fat as hell and this is his nap time.  He’s now asleep in his chair.

Next to Lester the Molester is a mom and child.  She’s probably 10, the child that is, not the mom.  I can’t see what they’re doing but I think it has something to do with the kiddo’s homework.

By the way, I can’t hear any conversations either because Rush’s A Show of Hands is blaring through my earbuds right now.  Distant Early Warning is the track.  Yeah, the topic of that song kind of defined the 80s for me: Russians, nukes, and paranoia – all the things that got a moron like Ronald Reagan elected.

There are lots of college kids studying here.  They’re spread throughout the cafe with various textbooks and papers strewn about on their tables.  Unfortunately, there aren’t any hot female co-eds, just a bunch of guys.  Since I’m straight, I’ll ignore them (sorry Michael H.  I know you were hoping for pictures!)

Up to this point, I would imagine you’ve spent about one minute or more reading this blog entry and I really haven’t told you anything.  First, let me say I’m sorry.  That’s a minute of your life you’ll never get back.  Second, did you expect anything more out of LoS?

I’m still on the hunt for something to write about so if there’s something you want me to tussle with, drop a comment and I’ll take it on.  But make it something fun.  I really do need some entertainment in my life after being sick for a freakin’ week.

And lastly, if you understood the post title, hooray for you.  If not, you really should listen to more Rush!

****

I knew it.  Lester’s wife just showed up.  “Come on honey.  Let’s go home so you can take your nap.”

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He’s back.  Sit back and relax with more unqualified advice from an unqualified asshat.

******

Dear Sean,
My wife and I come from a conservative Islamic society. We had an arranged marriage. We have a 3-year-old child we both adore. I thought we were an average couple with our share of ups and downs. Last week, a routine Pap smear revealed that my wife has human papillomavirus. Her previous Pap smears had all been negative. I was shocked by the result. Both of us were virgins at marriage, and she has been my only sexual partner. Everything I’ve learned about HPV tells me it is sexually transmitted. I even accompanied my wife to meet her gynecologist to discuss the results. She said that the current scientific understanding is that HPV spreads only through sexual contact, but our knowledge of the disease is improving, and that we just had to trust each other. Is there any precedent for HPV being transmitted in the absence of sex? My wife denies being unfaithful to me, and I have been faithful to her. I think I believe her, but this evidence has introduced doubts in me. If she could have gotten HPV only from sex, I am not sure how to reconcile our relationship if my wife won’t come clean.

—Shaken

Dear Shaken,
Wake up and smell the …..  Well, I won’t go there.  This type of letter always amazes me.  You go to a doctor, someone with years of schooling and experience, and he tells you that your wife has an STD.  Then you send a letter to a public advice column on whether you should believe your wife or not instead of seeking either counseling or handling this yourself.  It’s no wonder this country is so fucked up!

******

Dear Sean,
I am very much in love with my girlfriend of four years and want to spend my life with her. There is one thing preventing me from popping the question: the diamond ring. My girlfriend is not overly superficial but has made it clear that she needs a “moderately good-sized ring.” I am young, in graduate school, and have no money. I would have to take out a loan to buy her what she desires. In the long term, money won’t be the issue, so my objections to buying an engagement ring are mostly philosophical: 1) Buying a diamond ring seems like buying a woman. 2) If we are equal partners, what is she buying me? 3) Diamonds fuel conflict around the world. 4) They are expensive yet inherently worthless. I have told her how I feel, and she sees my point but has indicated a ring is necessary. I can’t imagine proposing to her without one. Should I wait to propose and in the meantime try to change her mind, just buy her a stupid ring already, or take this impasse as an indicator of future conflict and move on with my life? (I don’t know if I could do the last one.)

—Ringless

Dear Ringless,
Your girlfriend is a greedy bitch and you should dump her immediately.  I’m appalled at the ignorance and gall of this woman telling you she has to have a ring when you’re a poor grad student.  And how nice of her to expect you to start off your life together in debt.  Dump her, NOW!  But make sure you hit it one last time!

******

Dear Sean,
I have been successfully practicing law for almost 10 years. I’m married to a wonderful man and have a beautiful baby daughter. So what is my problem? For years I have dreamed of becoming a doctor. I dabbled with the idea in college and did very well in science classes, but I was a confused kid. My mother talked incessantly about how I should be a lawyer and would never be able to become a doctor. The first day of law school, I felt I had made a terrible mistake. I finished school, started practicing law, and couldn’t stand it. I was accepted to some pre-med programs. However, my then-fiance didn’t believe I could do it, and I listened to him. We eventually broke up. My current husband is supportive. However, a career change would mean a huge sacrifice for my family, and that would leave me with tremendous guilt. What should I do?

—Juris Doctorate Who Would Rather Be a Doctor

Dear JD,
Why on earth would you want to become a doctor when so many are leaving their practice in this fucked up health care climate?  And I can’t even imagine the lack of ethics that would be involved.  I mean, what kind of doctor would you be after coming from the scumbag world of law?  Here’s some advice: go back to school and learn Chinese.  When they take over the world you’ll be ready.  By the way, you’re mother is an ignorant bitch.

I’m a newbie to Netflix.  We just joined about a month ago and have only rented a handful of movies.  But I think I really like this service.  The turnaround is insanely fast and that makes it all worth it.  If it took a week and a half to return and get your new movies it would suck.  But I put the last batch in the mail on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon the next two on my list were in my mailbox.

Late last year I read a book called And Here’s The Kicker… It was a book of interviews with 21 of the nation’s top comedy writers.  So I’ve been on a movie kick lately from all of the reference in the book.  Some were comedy, some not.  One of the movies referenced was Dead Poet’s Society.  So it went onto my Netflix queue. continue reading…

I never get tired of reader mail.  My inbox stays full and I appreciate all of the fucked up people in the world who write me daily with their problems; it just goes to show how truly fucked up they are if they’re writing Left Of Sean for advice!

Let’s get right into this week’s mail…

******

Dear Sean,
I’m a happily married man in my 20s with a gorgeous wife, whom I adore. We live in a big city in an apartment building. In order to let in light, we keep the curtains open in our bedroom (sans naughty time). I’ve recently noticed that the female who lives in the apartment directly across from ours and the female in the apartment one floor below also leave their curtains open as they walk around half-naked. I’m not saddling up to the window for hours upon end, but on occasion I catch a glimpse of skin, and I’ll admit that I don’t turn away. I don’t know whether my wife has noticed the neighbors, but I haven’t told her that I have. I feel as if I’m hiding a secret from her and even committing a form of adultery by not walking away when I see them. Should I tell my wife so we can make a decision about what to do together (and hope she doesn’t divorce me)? Or should I unilaterally reach out to the neighbors, telling them that my whole building has probably been getting a show for several months and they should be more aware of their actions?

—In the Window continue reading…