Left Of Sean

This week the Oklahoma Gazette came out with their annual Best Of edition.  As you can guess, the best of edition is a list of businesses and places in Oklahoma that the readers have voted the best in their category.

In reality, it’s a popularity contest determined by the biggest advertisement dollar.  I don’t mean that the businesses bought their ranking, but a goddamn black cat IS black!

What I mean is that some of the businesses that were ranked #1 were ranked that way because every 3rd commercial on TV is from them.  Mathis Bros. wins best furniture store every year.  But is there really any other place to go to buy furniture in this city?  I mean really, no one but white trash NASCAR fans buy furniture from Bob Mills….your home’s best friend!  If that’s true, I think your house needs to start hanging out with a better class of people.

A lot of the places won because they are frequented more than other places.  For instance, the best burger went to Johnnie’s.  I’m a fan of Johnnie’s.  I like their burger.  It’s pretty damn good.  But it can’t hold a candle to Irma’s Burger Shack.  The difference here is that Irma’s has 2 locations: one at 63rd & Western in Nichols Hills (where the rich people live) and one in mid-town.  Johnnie’s is all over the place.  They raked in the southside vote.

There were some really stupid votes I think could have been an anti-vote.  For instance, the best place to see a concert was the Zoo Amphitheater.  The Zoo Amphitheater is a complete shithole that has been around since the fucking landrun.  Christ, the Indians used to hold pow-wows there to help bring curses on the white man!

The Zoo is famous for such great concerts as .38 Special and REO Speedwagon…and I’m not talking about 1984 when they were popular!  That was last year.

The funny thing about the best place to see a concert vote was that it won out over the $120 million Ford Center.  To be honest, I’d rather listen to REO Speedwagon spew out “Heard it from a friend who, heard it from a friend who, heard it from another you been fuckin’ around” at the Zoo than the garbled shithole that is the Ford Center.

Here are the 5 categories that just blew my fucking mind:

Best Hospital: Mercy Health Center
Best Realtor:  Tim Rasmussen
Best Home Builder or Remodeler:  Ideal Homes
Best Lawn Service:  Kiss My Grass
Best Place to Buy Your Next Vehicle:  Bob Moore

First of all, there is not such thing as the Best Hospital.  If you’re sick or having an emergency, the BEST is the CLOSEST FUCKING DOCTOR!!

Second, WHO THE FUCK is Tim Rasmussen?

Third & Fifth, homebuilders and car dealers have one purpose in life: to bend you over and fuck you as hard as they can.  There’s NO SUCH THING as the BEST.

If you’re looking for the BEST car dealer in this city, head to Swedish Motors in Edmond.  Sure, the only thing you can buy there is a Volvo, but you’ll get a great car for exactly the price you should pay for it.  Call Scott.  He’s awesome.  You’ll get great service and a no bullshit approach.

Fourth, seriously?  Best Lawn Service?  You know what the best lawn service is?  The fucking wetback who show up once a week to mow my lawn.

Also listed is the best place to watch a sporting event.  Again, the Ford Center was left out even though there are 40 some odd NBA games held there every year and countless other sporting events.

OU’s Memorial Stadium won.  I’m a BIG, HUGE OU fan.  I’ve been to the stadium a zillion times because we’re season ticket holders.  But I’m here to tell you, the best place to watch a sporting event is in my living room with an air conditioner, a beer, and the ability to stop live action on my DVR!

I think the biggest travesty on the list was the Best Coffee.  Java Dave’s House of Turpentine and Swill won.  I’m not kidding when I say that Java Dave’s has the worst fucking coffee on the planet.

Almost every weekend I head out to the Biker Shak in Arcadia to see my friend Rhonda (she’s the owner).  Across the street from the Biker Shak is a Conoco gas station.  This isn’t one of those really nice, new stations with the powdered cappuccino machine and employees that know how to use a mop.  No, this is a mom & pop funk encrusted fuck-pit of an eye sore that will probably get blown away when the next tornado gives it a respectable death.  But please save the Biker Shak!!

Anyway, I drink their coffee every once in a while when I’m totally desperate.  I’m sure they make it at about 6:00am and when I get there around 10:00am the pot is still sitting there turning to a nasty glaze.

THAT coffee is better than ANYTHING Java Dave’s has ever served.  I won’t even get started on the HORRIBLE service you’ll receive there.

By the way, Coffee Slingers should have won that competition hands down.  But, the majority of fucktards in this city don’t know what a Coffee Slingers is.  That’s sad.  But it also shows the mindset of a city drowning in fast food chains and the idea that the Olive Garden is fine dining.

Maybe I should make my own Best Of list for Oklahoma City.  I would have categories like Best Place to Pee Outside Without Getting Arrested and Best Place to See a Piece of Hot Ass.

But once again, I’m too lazy to write up the questions….well, maybe this winter when I have nothing to do.  Don’t hold your breath.

In the meantime, I think I’ll head to MY Best Place to Take a Dump, my bathroom!

Peace, OUT.

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My first Facebook Status Update this morning went something like this:

Left Of Sean:  9:37am and it’s already 90 degrees. Hope my balls don’t melt away again!

ViaLula:  I think for Christmas I am going to buy you a filter. A filter? A filter to put in between your thoughts and print.

Left Of Sean:  Why would I ever want to install something like that? As I tell the Jesus Tard people: if you don’t like it, CHANGE THE FUCKING CHANNEL!

ViaLula:  Lol, somebody is grumpy again.

Danielle:  I like the “again” in reference to your balls melting away. This implies that it has happened before and that your balls are in fact regenerative. Impressive.

Left Of Sean:  They’re not as regenerative as they are replaceable. You see, I had the last set made out of a soft, pliable polymer built for speed and comfort. Unfortunately, this high tech material is susceptible to extreme temperatures. It’s really embarrassing when I’m just standing there an my balls start melting down my leg. If this happens again I’m opting for the aluminum set.

Danielle:  {Likes this!}

Robin:  Wait, I’m confused…I thought you were pure milk chocolate?

Left Of Sean:  I tried that once but while I slept the puppies would….well, you know!  I thought it would be a great idea because, you know, women love chocolate.  But the consequences far outweighed the benefits.

*****

So this got me thinking: what other body parts would be really cool to replace with something fun?

I read a Carl Hiassen book last year about a hitman who had his hand replaced with a weed-whacker.  That was a good idea, but I’d be afraid I would always smell like gasoline and decaying grass.  Besides, it might really hurt if you had to pee and used the wrong hand.  Dating could be really, really dangerous.

I thought about the things I like to do in life and how a new hand or leg attachment could make them easier.  I like to write on my blog.  However, I also like to drink a Mocha Frappuccino Lite, no whip, while I’m doing it.  Maybe I could install a head attachment that would hold the drink and a tube that looped around to my mouth.  It would be like those beer helmets but permanent.  Besides, if I wore one of those beer helmets I’d just look stupid.  Doh!

I enjoy texting.  Maybe I could get a Bluetooth device permanently wired into my brain so all I’d have to do was think about what I wanted to text and it would magically send through my iPhone.  I don’t know, that could be a little Big Brother-ish if not handled correctly.

Maybe I should just have six more arms attached.  I love my three puppies but with only two arms, it’s difficult to pet all three at once.  They’re pretty demanding for attention.  This way I could use three arms to pet the puppies, one arm to scratch, one arm to control the TV remote, and texting could be accomplished by the Bluetooth device controlled by the CIA.  The extra arm would just be there for backup in case of an “arm failure.”

I thought about having an Asian hooker attached to my hip…..but I think I’d get tired of her always saying, “that will be $5 Joe!”

I have a gay friend named Mike.  He’s not gay because his name is Mike.  He’s just gay and his name happens to be Mike.

I wrote a piece the other day (that I’m regretting now) asking for suggestions for blog topics.  Mike was the only one who responded.

In the entry, I referenced the fact that there were no hot college co-ed females, only males, sitting in the Barnes & Noble cafe.  So, Mike suggested that I write more about the college guys.

I’m straight.  That means I’m un-gay.  That also means that I have no idea how to write a gay college guy story for Mike.  But I’m going to try.  I think I’ll put some pictures in to detract from my lack of “gay” writing ability.

So here goes….

Once upon a time there were three hot college boys sitting in a cafe at Barnes & Noble.  The first boy was 23 years old and had a striking chiseled face and un-fat man boobs.  He went to the gym…..I guess.

Boy number two was 22, short, and had a huge package bulging out of his jeans.  On closer inspection, I’m pretty sure it was a sock…or a banana…or a flashlight.  But for the purposes of this story I’m going to go with huge, throbbing, meatsicle!

Boy number three was wearing a Member’s Only jacket.  We don’t care about him.

I stood up and cocked my hips to one side while I planted my hand firmly on the protruding hip and flittered over to their table.  I stood tall and erect and in my gayest of gay voice I said, “Hi, my name is…um….Harold.  Yeah, that’s it.  Harold.  I have a friend, Mike, who would like some pictures of you two.  Would you mind standing up and unzipping your pants while I get my camera ready?”

When I woke up, swollen and flat on the floor, I didn’t know where I was at first.  I realized that I was still in the Barnes & Noble cafe but I was in an excruciating amount of pain.  One eye was black.  I’m sure I had a broken rib.  And I was wheezing.  My balls were probably missing but I was too scared to reach down there to check.

Boys one and two were nowhere to be found but Member’s Only was standing above me with my camera in hand.

“I took twenty or so shots.  Give them to Mike.  I’m sure he’ll enjoy them.  My phone number is written in stall three.  Look me up sometime!”

And I passed out again.

Sorry Mike.  It’s the best I can do!!  Here are some pictures for you:

So, in all seriousness, Mike is one of the coolest and smartest guys you’ll ever meet and I’m totally jealous that he lives in San Francisco, my dream city.  He has a great sense of humor and I’m sure he’s cracking up at this right now….and then vowing revenge!

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Want a great laugh? I joined the softball team at work.  Christ, I don’t even own a glove.  I’m going to have to go buy a freakin’ baseball glove to play a sport I hate more than anything in the world.

Wonder if I can get one for $5?  Do they sell gloves on Woot?

I spoke to the manager who’s sponsoring the team and she has informed me that we will not be provided beer as a performance enhancer.  I’m a little worried now.  If you don’t have beer, what’s the purpose of softball/baseball?  Camaraderie?  Or are we just gathering to complain about work?

If I get injured can I claim workman’s comp?  Probably not.  Hopefully we’ll play the teams from Mercy Health Center or Integris so we can get free health care.  I think the best thing would be a steady schedule of general practitioners and orthopedists!!

Unfortunately they’ll probably STILL insist that I meet my deductible first.

Pictures to come….at some point.

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Sunday night we found out which teams are going to the big dance.  Yep, the NCAA tournament in men’s basketball.

Right, right.  Most of you don’t give a shit.  But I kind of dig it.  However, my team, Oklahoma, sucked this year so I’m not obsessed with the tournament like in the past.

However, I did fill out a bracket and will compete in a friendly little competition with a friend from Columbus, Ohio.  I’m pretty sure I’m going to get my ass kicked but I didn’t have to put any money in to the pot so it’s not a big deal.

What is a big deal is that one of my other favorite teams, Baylor, not only made it to the tournament but is a #3 seed in the South section of the bracket.  My family went to Baylor.  I was born in Waco.  I had respect for Baylor after a player was murdered and their coach turned out to be a major turd in the early 2000′s.

I am still proud of them but have lost some respect now that they have hired a major douchebag, Ken Starr, as their new president.  But I didn’t go to Baylor so I’m not too upset about it.

I find it funny that all over this country we will see a bigtime spike in internet traffic during the tournament.  I’m talking about the workday.  You see, the tournament is played on Thursday and Friday for the first two weeks.  Corporate networks all over will experience major service level issues because millions of employees will be watching, in secret, the games on their work computers.  Some companies block certain websites during the tournament for just this reason.

I’m not that brave.  Plus, my boss would kill me!  But I will check the scores often, if not online then on the iPhone.

This is a great time of year if you are a college basketball fan.  The games are exciting and there are always some nail-biters that provide great entertainment.

Kansas is the overall, #1 seed in the tournament.  I have to admit, they kick ass.  But Baylor gave them a good game earlier this year and in this game, anything can happen on any given day.  I don’t hold out much hope for Baylor past the first couple of rounds, but I can always dream.  Hell, George Mason made it to the Final Four a few years ago.  If they can do it, my Bears certainly have a shot.

UCLA has won something like 12 or 13 national titles over the years.  I think they won 9 in a row in the 60s/70s.  That’s kind of like the Yankees and Dodgers.  They’ve won their share for a lifetime and shouldn’t be allowed to win any more.

UCLA didn’t make the tournament this year so they won’t get another chance.  I’m glad they won’t be playing but I’ll certainly miss their cheerleaders!

So strap on your foam finger and pony up to the bar wherever you are on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.  This year will be a lot of fun.

Sic ‘em Bears!

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